I turned 43 on Wednesday the 14th – I share a birthday with some illustrious folk, including Dwight D. Eisenhower, Katherine Mansfield, Winnie the Pooh, and Susan of A life in books.
I passed a pleasant, low-key day: a roofer was here in the morning to finish replacing our bathroom roof; I took a long walk out to the edge of the countryside; I read from a few books I was enjoying, including a couple birthday-appropriate ones; we went out to dinner at our favourite restaurant, which serves seasonal English tapas; there were some tipples; and back at home I opened my gifts (books plus a book token to buy more, a gin Advent calendar, vermouth, and chocolate marzipan) and had a slice of the chocolate caramel cheesecake my husband made for me from Hummingbird Bakery’s Cake Days cookbook.
I planned to put up an album on Facebook the next day with a wry quote from Nora Ephron’s I Feel Bad about My Neck (“According to my dermatologist, the neck starts to go at forty-three, and that’s that”) and the Munch’s-Scream emoji. I was mildly vexed with my husband for taking a photo of me that shows the silver coming in at my hairline and wasn’t sure if I’d include that one. I had it all planned out, clever me.
Then I woke up to a message from my dad saying my sweet cousin Dawn had died some hours ago – the middle of the night our time, but 8:30 p.m. their time, so still my birthday. I can’t pretend we were close: she was part of my dad’s Georgia clan but relocated to Oklahoma 30 years ago, and I don’t think I’d seen her in the flesh in nearly 35 years. We kept in touch at a Christmas card sort of level over the years.
I can’t say it was a huge shock, either: she came home on hospice, bedbound with incurable lung disease, in late September. But we’d done a video chat with her earlier in the month and she seemed so well and optimistic that we – even my sister, a hospice nurse who’s seen this play out many times – thought we were looking at months, not days. Then she got pneumonia again, on top of her existing issues, and it was just too much for her body to take. She was 54.
This instantly put things into perspective for me. I’m so glad we reconnected, though we should have done more, and sooner. It was beautiful to see photos of her with her mother and brothers, who visited her for several days and left not knowing it was two days before the end. Right to her last she was thinking of others and making connections; she even wrote me birthday wishes, which made her loss seem all the more surreal.
Now, on each birthday, I’ll remember my cousin and the family she left behind. It feels right, something to be philosophical about rather than resent. A reminder that life is fragile and bittersweet, and something I must always strive to be grateful for.
From my current earworm, Denison Witmer’s “Confessions”:
“Nothing seems as random as the gift of life, and I hope I’m not wasting mine.”
Bookish Beck = Rebecca Foster. American transplant to England. Freelance proofreader and book reviewer.
Happy birthday, and I am so sorry for your loss, Rebecca. (Both/and!) When someone near to your age, even if you aren’t close to them, passes away, it definitely puts things in perspective. Fall always makes me melancholy and think about times passing and family who have passed away. You are right, we should try to remember how fleeting it all is and use that to enjoy the little (and big) things.
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Thank you. I do have mixed feelings looking back on the day. My mother’s anniversary is coming up on the 30th, too. It seems it’s natural at this time of year to remember the dead (All Souls’ / All Saints’).
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Belated birthday greetings, Rebecca. How nice to be counted as illustrious, definitely a first for me! We’re currently travelling and enjoyed what counted as my birthday cake in an Austrian konditorei this afternoon. I’m so sorry about your cousin. Never easy news even when it’s expected.
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I forgot to send you well wishes on the day as I usually try to do.
Mmm, sacher torte would make an excellent birthday cake (my husband made it for me one year, in fact).
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Happy birthday, and sounds like lovely celebrations. So sorry about your loss – we definitely need to grab each day and get the most out of it. x
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Thank you. I know my cousin was appreciating life right until the end, even when bedbound.
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Happy birthday nachträglich, as the Germans say. And yes, the death of people we know, especially when it’s not at a very advanced age, makes us pause and consider life much more of a precious gift.
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Thank you. I regret that we’d lost touch for so long but am glad we made that reconnection.
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Happy birthday, Rebecca – and that photo of you is beautiful, never think otherwise. I’m so sorry to hear of Dawn’s death, but how wonderful to know that you’ll be able to remember her as kind, thoughtful, and beloved.
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Thank you. I’ll be watching her funeral livestream tonight, wearing a pink jumper (per her request for people to wear her favourite colour!) and toasting her with a pink G&T for International Gin and Tonic Day.
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Happy belated birthday Beck. The birthday cheesecake looked wonderful.
I’m sorry for your loss, too.
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Thank you! It was delicious and we shared it out with various people from book club.
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My condolences, Beck. We don’t have to be close to feel a loss. I’ve learned a lovely expression from Jewish friends of mine: May her memory be a blessing.
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That is a beautiful saying. I have a book club friend who is Jewish and she always tells me that at my mother’s anniversary. It seems like a good thing to hope for after we’re gone — to be remembered fondly.
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Yes, but it’s more than that. It’s that no matter the circumstances in which a loved one is lost, what is remembered is the good memories of that person, unclouded by memories which bring distress.
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I’m sorry to hear about your cousin. It sounds like you had a really nice day otherwise. The cheesecake looks delicious.
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It was a lovely day, but the news that came overnight afterward made me think back on it in a somber light. I know how lucky I am!
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Yes, I can see how that would be.
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Happy birthday Beck, but also my condolences on your cousin. 54 is so young.
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It does seem so young, especially these days.
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Happy birthday, Rebecca. I’m sorry your cousin died so young. It seems she was thinking of others right to the end. We never know when our final day will come, so skip the small stuff and petty dramas and spend time caring for one another instead.
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That’s a great life lesson.
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Belatd birthday greetings, you young thing, you! But I’m sorry the day was clouded by the loss of your cousin. Because of the day, she’ll be in your memory now every year at this time, I guess.
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I will certainly always think of her, and reach out to her family, on the day.
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They’ll appreciate that, I’m sure.
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Hi Rebecca
We wish you a happy birthday 🎂 and lots and lots of books 📚 worth reading.
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Thank you! Five books so far, plus three to be bought with the book token.
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[…] copy of The Parent Trap in the Little Free Library a few days ago and spotted that the twins share my birthday! Of course, I could have reviewed it for German Literature Month and Novellas in November, as I did […]
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Happy Birthday Rebecca, the thing about the neck is true (I turned 46 recently), in many ways it is all downhill from here, but a gift as well, thanks for the reminder!
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I’m trying to be philosophical — ‘ageing is better than the alternative’ — but it’s hard. I’m no longer getting away with plucking, parting, and creative pinning to hide the grey, so I have to get used to it. I loathe the thought of being locked into a dyeing schedule, which also sounds expensive and full of toxic chemicals. But I know it will be tempting as I start to look less and less like my mental image of myself, with hormonal changes making things worse — from having an older sister plus hearing it from others, I know I have much to NOT look forward to!
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Happy Belated Birthday and thank you for sharing your news of your cousin, what better reminder that all this neck business is not that important!
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Thank you. It was certainly a reality check for me, though that’s not to say I’m cured of my vanity!
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